Ninja me this.

So, you and your girlfriend are walking to the park for a picnic. It’s a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, and the pair of you is just enjoying each others company. Suddenly a dozen men dressed in black designer pajamas drop from a nearby tree and start vainly trying to beat your face in. Has this ever happened to you? I get it all the time. The problem is there just aren’t enough ninja movies out there these days.

Over the past three decades a decline in ninja movies has seen an increase in unemployed ninjas and it’s only getting worse. There was a brief comeback for them during the 90s with 3 Ninjas, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up, and of course, 3 Ninjas at High Noon. But Jackie Chan’s recent announcement that he’s retiring from action movies, I’m assuming to do comedic children’s cartoons, along with the off-shoring of many ninja movies to Asia (as in Sleeping Tiger, Hidden Dragon) has seen the swelling of non-working ninjas. They’re every where now days. From beach parties to office meetings, you just can’t escape them.

Washington hasn’t been completely blind to what’s been going on. Taking time out from a busy day of pretending to care about the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Bush was quoted as saying, “Yeah, ninjas. Those crazy dudes with the masks over their heads, heh heh. I know’s ‘em. The government is going to do their part, but the American citizens have to pitch in as well. I mean, I’m your president, not your leader. Heh heh.”

Recently several hundred tried to enter into the multiple branches of the military, but most were excused off-hand. “They attack one-on-one, even when there are twenty of them in a room,” stated former Secretary of State Colin Powell. “How could this possibly help our military forces in Iraq?”

All hope is not lost. “They definitely have the moves,” said Lars Oelinger, choreographer and author of the new play on Broadway, Men have curves too. “Some of them even have some talent. We’ll ship these men in by the truck load and see what they’re made of!” There’s talk of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4 movie, with Vanilla Ice (Rob Van Winkle) coming back to do the soundtrack to extend a career that should have totally faded by 1994.

Recently, a number of little-known celebrities attempted to have a telethon for this just cause. Headed by Lyle Lovitz and Bob Dylan, the telethon netted five dollars and twenty-seven cents; along with four boxes of diapers and a dozen bottles of water.

So you see; some people are doing your part. You have to do yours. If you see any of these poor souls out on the street, do them a favor. Kick each one’s ass individually. They’ll thank you for it later.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~