Don't Spoiler my day.

There are certain things a car needs to operate. An engine is usually a big help. A car is quite useless without gas, or a steering wheel. However there are a multitude of things that are put onto cars which they do not need.

One of these things is hubcaps. No, I'm not referring to the standard fare that comes directly from the plant. I'm talking about the bling bling ones that blind you as wait at a red light. You know the ones; they generally cost more than the car itself. The particularly annoying ones roll when the car has come to a stop. This gives it the illusion that the wheels are still turning. That's nice. Hey Chief, why don't you forget about the caps and instead do something about that piece of crap muffler that's dragging under your car, throwing sparks, and sounding like a Harley?

Decals are nice too. Lightning bolts or racing stripes along the sides are a favorite of many of the locals down here in North Carolina. Here's a tip. Get a car that actually looks fast for starters. Painting speed lines on a 1990 Toyota truck does not mean it's going to win in the Auto Truck series this year.

How about bumper stickers? Those can be fun too, in moderation. Why do some people feel the need to plaster eighty-five of them to the back of their pea green station wagon? Generally they have some kind of religious undertone to them; some passage in Isiah or something. Or their kid was special boy of the day fifty times at school. Tell you what, when your kid graduates from JuCo go ahead and splurge on "My kid is an honor student" stickers. But no one wants to know how proud you are of your pre-schooler for only pooping in the corner twice one week at school. Also, the election was over a year ago. Please rip those crappy political adds of your automobiles. Jesus! No one was going to vote for Ralph Nader anyway.

Would you please stop customizing your license plates? How many times have I seen VETTE69 on the plates for a Corvette? No shit sherlock, I know what a corvette looks like. I'd rather see it say COMPENS8 or IMPOTENT instead. You don't need to express your individuality on your car. Trust me, with that face you are definately an individual that no one will copy.

Lastly, and one of the banes of my existence, is the spoiler. Now, I have one on my Ford Focus. It's fairly descrete and gives my car a certain charm. But what I've seen increasingly are people bolting giant spoilers to the trunks of their car. It looks like they strapped a damn airplane fin to their vehicle. I'm not very good with physics and I suppose a spoiler must help make your vehicle more aerodynamic. However, bolting a Cessna onto your Honda Civic has got to be one of the most retarded things you could do to your automobile. I'm not sure if it's insanely ghetto or incredibly redneck. Probably a bit of both. So please do me a favor. Think before you paint, strap on, bolt, or stick something to your car.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~