My Cat Needs Weight Watchers

My wife and I have two cats. They have the Laurel and Hardy thing going on. One is skinny the other is a solid black morbidly obese feline. I’m talking friggin’ huge. Think Sally Struthers. Marlon Brando. Old Elvis. I think you’re getting the picture. So here’s the deal. He’s a massive glob of fur and fat, and yet, I don’t feed him all that much. He doesn’t like treats, and for the most part he leaves people food strictly alone. Which begs the question, why is he so goddamn fat?

Inactivity is probably part of it. I don’t think I’ve seen a living being move so little since that woman on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?. Occasionally he’ll get up and chase the smaller cat around. Perhaps climb our steps to feed on dry cat food. That’s about it.

There is the possibility that after we go to bed at night, he goes into the fridge and fixes himself some leftover fried chicken and a Miller Highlife, I’m not sure. I need to figure this out before PETA starts camping out outside my house, protesting that I’m over-feeding my cat.

I think he’s starting to take my verbal abuse to heart though. Every so often he’ll start puking for no apparent reason. I gather he’s semi bulimic. If that doesn’t work I guess I’ll just get him to lose weight the old fashioned way. Mix in a bunch of diet pills with a slim fast shake and make him snort some coke. Watch the pounds melt off!

*D.S. Trosdahl~~