Meteorology: Writers needed

If America is going to improve, it has to happen one small piece at a time. I believe my suggestions could do a lot of good to reaching that end. For instance, forecasting hurricanes could use some improvements.

Let’s start with hurricane naming. If you tell me that Stan is coming over to visit, even if I’ve never met this person, it doesn’t exactly strike fear into the core of my being. Hurricane names are awful. From Ophelia, which sounds like a Shakespearan shemale, to Pablo, a little Mexican waiter, hurricane-naming conventions could definitely stand for some modifications. First of all, more dangerous sounding names need to be implemented to force residents to evacuate. Can you imagine Hurricane Vinny coming to break your kneecaps? How about Hurricane Tyrone? That’s not a brother you want to piss off. There are others such as Hurricane Herpes or Hurricane Mad Cow, that make me want to pack up and move inland. If worst comes to worst we can break out some of the truly horrendous-sounding names, like Hurricane N’sync or Hurricane Ricky Martin.

Not only do hurricane names need to change, but also their system of gauging a hurricane’s strength needs to be different. Category 5 sounds like something I marked on my taxes last year. Let’s come up with something a little more imaginative and descriptive:

Category Lights Out (Category 1) – Meaning, if this hurricane is bearing down, prepare to lose your power.

Category Treehouse (Category 2) – any trees in your front lawn will now reside inside your living room.

Category Volvo (Category 3) – The storm can blow a station wagon through your front door.

Category Ass water (Category 4) – Your house will be submerged in sewage.

Category Moving Day (Category 5) – Your current residence is about to change addresses, so you might as well also.

Something else that needs to change is to remove idiots from the weather channel from the beachheads. If the city or state government is advocating evacuation, would someone tell those dumbshit weather reports that they are not doing a very good job of leading by example? Cripes. Not only that but even our beloved Al Roker (mentioned in a previous blog) tried to get swept to sea during Hurricane Wilma (before stomach stapling this would have been an impossible task!).

Let’s get these changes instituted as soon as possible. Something that is several hundred miles wide and travels as fast as I can jog should never catch a city or state “unawares”. America is a big place; I’ll spread my wisdom as fast as I can.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~