5 Things Learned in February 2009

1.) Never sleep with your monkey, feed him fillet Mignon, or let him drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. He may try to bite your friend's face off.

2.) Never forget to get your wife a card for Valentine's Day. But do sleep with her, feed her fillet Mignon, and let her drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. Or she may try to bite your face off.

3.) Banks will spend stimulus money on bubble gum cards and candy, so don't give it to them.

4.) Paula Abdul needs American Idol. American Idol does not need Paula Abdul. Stop complaining.

5.) Winter is fucking cold.