Remember when Blogging was a thing that was done? Yeah, me too. I used to blog.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people still blogging. Some are even making a decent living blogging. But gauging from the amount of views my blog posts garnered in 12 years, blogging was never going to be my thing. I used to blog.
Back then I used to think my material wit would take me places. I could do some part time blogging and get some recognition on the side. I used to blog.
It's been over 9 years since my last post. It's obvious that I can't blog. I used to blog.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
There's something about Barry
Sorry, I saw this news article and had to comment.
Mall wants Manilow music to drive out unruly teens
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090303/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_new_zealand_mall_rats
WELLINGTON, New Zealand – It'll be Barry Manilow versus the mall rats. The New Zealand city of Christchurch hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the mix of music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there_ or at least convince them to go elsewhere.
DT: I believe it will have the opposite effect. Unruly teens will riot at the GAP.
"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ... so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction."
DT: That's exactly what you're saying and I totally agree with you.
A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.
DT: Why not be kind and considerate to the several thousand non-unruly young people and just tear gas the mall? I for one would take tear gas to the face then Manilow to the ears.
The city council, police and local property owners covering 410 businesses agree that "nice, easy listening" music like Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," "Mandy" and other hits might change the behavior of loitering teens.
DT: Profits will go down as mall patrons slowly nod off between Sam Goody and Barnes and Noble.
But one 16-year-old told The Press newspaper that unfashionable music wouldn't deter them. "We would just bring a stereo and play it louder," Emma Belcher said.
DT: Oh god, double the Barry?
Lonsdale countered that the city would then hit them with anti-noise laws.
DT: Touche Douche! That'll learn 'em! So where a loitering ticket would not dissuade them, anti-noise would?
Sorry, I saw this news article and had to comment.
Mall wants Manilow music to drive out unruly teens
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090303/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_new_zealand_mall_rats
WELLINGTON, New Zealand – It'll be Barry Manilow versus the mall rats. The New Zealand city of Christchurch hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the mix of music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there_ or at least convince them to go elsewhere.
DT: I believe it will have the opposite effect. Unruly teens will riot at the GAP.
"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ... so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction."
DT: That's exactly what you're saying and I totally agree with you.
A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.
DT: Why not be kind and considerate to the several thousand non-unruly young people and just tear gas the mall? I for one would take tear gas to the face then Manilow to the ears.
The city council, police and local property owners covering 410 businesses agree that "nice, easy listening" music like Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," "Mandy" and other hits might change the behavior of loitering teens.
DT: Profits will go down as mall patrons slowly nod off between Sam Goody and Barnes and Noble.
But one 16-year-old told The Press newspaper that unfashionable music wouldn't deter them. "We would just bring a stereo and play it louder," Emma Belcher said.
DT: Oh god, double the Barry?
Lonsdale countered that the city would then hit them with anti-noise laws.
DT: Touche Douche! That'll learn 'em! So where a loitering ticket would not dissuade them, anti-noise would?
Sunday, March 01, 2009
All Dogs go to heaven. Then they eat shit.
Dogs love to eat things. I believe this is one of their top traits. Although it probably falls behind their tendency to sniff other dogs' asses and licking their own private regions but ahead of leg humping and rolling in shit. The thing about dogs is they don't really care what they eat, just as long as they eat. There is no distinction between what is edible and what is not edible. And what can be eaten and what should not be eaten and how much should be eaten.
Examples of non-edible objects:
flip flops, misc plastic wrappers on the sidewalk, head from a Jesus statue (I'm serious, this happened).
Examples of edible objects that should not be eaten:
cat crap, berries from some random tree, puke, garbage from the kitchen.
This leads into my next point about grass. I think somewhere way back in the evolutionary chain, a great dane and a Holstein mated. This would explain dogs affection for grass. I know dogs eat grass because it helps soothe an upset stomach. I understand this. However my dogs will eat it to the point where they either hurl or tufts start growing from their sphincter. It's very disturbing watching a dog rotate around in circles trying to pull grass from their ass. And yet, somewhat entertaining.
At least they don't get hairballs. And they clean up their own puke...
Dogs love to eat things. I believe this is one of their top traits. Although it probably falls behind their tendency to sniff other dogs' asses and licking their own private regions but ahead of leg humping and rolling in shit. The thing about dogs is they don't really care what they eat, just as long as they eat. There is no distinction between what is edible and what is not edible. And what can be eaten and what should not be eaten and how much should be eaten.
Examples of non-edible objects:
flip flops, misc plastic wrappers on the sidewalk, head from a Jesus statue (I'm serious, this happened).
Examples of edible objects that should not be eaten:
cat crap, berries from some random tree, puke, garbage from the kitchen.
This leads into my next point about grass. I think somewhere way back in the evolutionary chain, a great dane and a Holstein mated. This would explain dogs affection for grass. I know dogs eat grass because it helps soothe an upset stomach. I understand this. However my dogs will eat it to the point where they either hurl or tufts start growing from their sphincter. It's very disturbing watching a dog rotate around in circles trying to pull grass from their ass. And yet, somewhat entertaining.
At least they don't get hairballs. And they clean up their own puke...
Friday, February 27, 2009
5 Things Learned in February 2009
1.) Never sleep with your monkey, feed him fillet Mignon, or let him drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. He may try to bite your friend's face off.
2.) Never forget to get your wife a card for Valentine's Day. But do sleep with her, feed her fillet Mignon, and let her drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. Or she may try to bite your face off.
3.) Banks will spend stimulus money on bubble gum cards and candy, so don't give it to them.
4.) Paula Abdul needs American Idol. American Idol does not need Paula Abdul. Stop complaining.
5.) Winter is fucking cold.
1.) Never sleep with your monkey, feed him fillet Mignon, or let him drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. He may try to bite your friend's face off.
2.) Never forget to get your wife a card for Valentine's Day. But do sleep with her, feed her fillet Mignon, and let her drink out of a long-stemmed wine glass. Or she may try to bite your face off.
3.) Banks will spend stimulus money on bubble gum cards and candy, so don't give it to them.
4.) Paula Abdul needs American Idol. American Idol does not need Paula Abdul. Stop complaining.
5.) Winter is fucking cold.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Back to Front
Okay, I recently realized that I still had this Blogspot and decided that I may try my hand at it once again.
Since my last post I:
have a new job
moved twice
now own a house
have two dogs
sister-in-law lives with us
had 43 haircuts
lost my goatee
and now have the NFL package
So, a lot of new things. Of course, because I never really talked about myself in any of these blogs you didn't really know any of what I was before I stopped posting anyway.
I'm going to try to post on here once in awhile. If only to leave a legacy behind that's more than the fact that I've drunk my weight in beer more than a thousand times over. Hopefully you enjoy it. If not you can always read Mad magazine or seomthing.
D.S. Trosdahl
Okay, I recently realized that I still had this Blogspot and decided that I may try my hand at it once again.
Since my last post I:
have a new job
moved twice
now own a house
have two dogs
sister-in-law lives with us
had 43 haircuts
lost my goatee
and now have the NFL package
So, a lot of new things. Of course, because I never really talked about myself in any of these blogs you didn't really know any of what I was before I stopped posting anyway.
I'm going to try to post on here once in awhile. If only to leave a legacy behind that's more than the fact that I've drunk my weight in beer more than a thousand times over. Hopefully you enjoy it. If not you can always read Mad magazine or seomthing.
D.S. Trosdahl
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Up, up, and away!
What the hell has been happening to gas prices? You'd think half the oil wells around the world started pumping out tang instead of oil. I may have to go back to siphoning gas from my neighbor's car at this rate. Soon a gallon of gas will be comparable with an ounce of silver. This has got to stop.
Fortunately, I have a plan. It's quite simple, really. I've begun designing a car that runs on an alternative form of fuel. Pixie sticks. I've seen one quarter of a pixie stick keep a 7 year old boy active for a week. Why not a car? I'll call my new automobile the Pixilator and it will run on one pixie stick a day.
There will be some kinks that need to be worked out. Currently you have a fuel gauge on your vehicle. The Pixilator's fuel gauge won't work as it can bonk on a moment's notice. The Pixilator may not stop when you hit the brakes or even if you turn off the ignition. The Pixilator may become highly volitile or very emotional. Do not use the Pixilator when under the influence.
I'll let you know how it turns out. I'm sure Bush is shitting himself in fear of this new piece of technology. Mwa ha ha!
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
What the hell has been happening to gas prices? You'd think half the oil wells around the world started pumping out tang instead of oil. I may have to go back to siphoning gas from my neighbor's car at this rate. Soon a gallon of gas will be comparable with an ounce of silver. This has got to stop.
Fortunately, I have a plan. It's quite simple, really. I've begun designing a car that runs on an alternative form of fuel. Pixie sticks. I've seen one quarter of a pixie stick keep a 7 year old boy active for a week. Why not a car? I'll call my new automobile the Pixilator and it will run on one pixie stick a day.
There will be some kinks that need to be worked out. Currently you have a fuel gauge on your vehicle. The Pixilator's fuel gauge won't work as it can bonk on a moment's notice. The Pixilator may not stop when you hit the brakes or even if you turn off the ignition. The Pixilator may become highly volitile or very emotional. Do not use the Pixilator when under the influence.
I'll let you know how it turns out. I'm sure Bush is shitting himself in fear of this new piece of technology. Mwa ha ha!
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Thursday, April 27, 2006
The uselessness of Clint Howard
No name embodies pure, enriched apathy, quite like Clint Howard. The problem, besides his poor acting chops and a face that only Abe Vigoda could love, is that he pops up in movies you least expect. There he is, a sleezy imbecile in the Waterboy. Suddenly your watching Ice Cream Man, and there he is again, a sleezy imbecile killer. And again, during the Grinch. A sleezy, boot-licking, imbecile. The list is mind-numblingly long. Did you know he is the voice of Roo in Winnie the Pooh? God, another useless fact that you really didn't want to know about the most worthless actor in Hollywood.
Clint is the substance you find in the lint trap of your dryer. It's there, everyday, completely pointless, making you angry for no real reason.
So there's Ron, the better-looking (although that's like saying the Phantom of the Opera is better looking than Quazimoto), better actor (ditto), and the more talented brother. Ron made Clint. If not for Ron, Clint would be the creepy janitor in a Junior Highschool in Virginia somewhere. My brother-in-law is an actor, and a damn good one. My only hope is that one day, I can be the Clint to his Ron Howard. I'll have to work on some thinning hair, growing out my forehead, and developing the voice of an eel.
What did writing this blog teach me? Don't, whatever you do, watch The Dentist 2. *Full Body Shudder*
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
No name embodies pure, enriched apathy, quite like Clint Howard. The problem, besides his poor acting chops and a face that only Abe Vigoda could love, is that he pops up in movies you least expect. There he is, a sleezy imbecile in the Waterboy. Suddenly your watching Ice Cream Man, and there he is again, a sleezy imbecile killer. And again, during the Grinch. A sleezy, boot-licking, imbecile. The list is mind-numblingly long. Did you know he is the voice of Roo in Winnie the Pooh? God, another useless fact that you really didn't want to know about the most worthless actor in Hollywood.
Clint is the substance you find in the lint trap of your dryer. It's there, everyday, completely pointless, making you angry for no real reason.
So there's Ron, the better-looking (although that's like saying the Phantom of the Opera is better looking than Quazimoto), better actor (ditto), and the more talented brother. Ron made Clint. If not for Ron, Clint would be the creepy janitor in a Junior Highschool in Virginia somewhere. My brother-in-law is an actor, and a damn good one. My only hope is that one day, I can be the Clint to his Ron Howard. I'll have to work on some thinning hair, growing out my forehead, and developing the voice of an eel.
What did writing this blog teach me? Don't, whatever you do, watch The Dentist 2. *Full Body Shudder*
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
God is too tired to smite.
So this Easter I started reflecting on a few things from the bible. One of the things I noticed is that God hasn't done any major smiting since the days of Moses. What happened? There are lots of good canidates out there, if one puts ones mind to it.
Al Qaida: I can see how this is a difficult one. Even God has trouble finding Osama bin Ladin. Perhaps a plague outbreak in the boondock areas of Aghanistan and Pakistan, if I may suggest?
My mailman: When you are a mailman, but you are too fat to get your ass out of the car to put a package on my front porch, you deserve to be smited.
Debt collecting companies: If there is a more sleazy, less rewarding occupation for all of mankind they both need to smiting.
That guy with the horrible Australian accent on the Outback Steakhouse Commercials: I feel bile enter my mouth now anytime someone mentions the word "steakhouse".
Greensboro, NC and surrounding area: Someone needs to drop some fire and brimstone on that place. Especially Kernersville. The place resembles my dog's anal cavity for some reason.
Whoever created clingwrap: God, that stuff pisses me off. "Let's create some plastic to keep food fresh. However, the dispenser will be a big, jagged blade that only cuts hands, not plastic. And so when the user tries to dispense a piece it will cling upon itself, creating a ball of plastic that will only partly cover the food." That person is godless.
My co-worker, Todd: He thinkes he's the smiter, but he shall be the one to be smotted, er smitten.
Maybe it's a good idea I don't have the power to smite. Wait a second. George W. has the football not too far from him...
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
So this Easter I started reflecting on a few things from the bible. One of the things I noticed is that God hasn't done any major smiting since the days of Moses. What happened? There are lots of good canidates out there, if one puts ones mind to it.
Al Qaida: I can see how this is a difficult one. Even God has trouble finding Osama bin Ladin. Perhaps a plague outbreak in the boondock areas of Aghanistan and Pakistan, if I may suggest?
My mailman: When you are a mailman, but you are too fat to get your ass out of the car to put a package on my front porch, you deserve to be smited.
Debt collecting companies: If there is a more sleazy, less rewarding occupation for all of mankind they both need to smiting.
That guy with the horrible Australian accent on the Outback Steakhouse Commercials: I feel bile enter my mouth now anytime someone mentions the word "steakhouse".
Greensboro, NC and surrounding area: Someone needs to drop some fire and brimstone on that place. Especially Kernersville. The place resembles my dog's anal cavity for some reason.
Whoever created clingwrap: God, that stuff pisses me off. "Let's create some plastic to keep food fresh. However, the dispenser will be a big, jagged blade that only cuts hands, not plastic. And so when the user tries to dispense a piece it will cling upon itself, creating a ball of plastic that will only partly cover the food." That person is godless.
My co-worker, Todd: He thinkes he's the smiter, but he shall be the one to be smotted, er smitten.
Maybe it's a good idea I don't have the power to smite. Wait a second. George W. has the football not too far from him...
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Miami Vice President
Dick Cheney, sticking with the old Bush credo of "Shoot first, ask questions later", blasted a lawyer a couple of weeks ago. It is rumored that after the incident, the vice president rifled through Harry Whittington's coat pockets, searching in vain for weapons of mass destruction.
It was said that Mr. Whittington suffered a mild heart attack when one of the pellets struck his chest. I have to say, I would have a mild heart attack if I saw one of the Bush Adminstration holding any kind of a weapon.
What a stroke of genius! Let's send the vice president over to Afghanistan/Pakistan. Tell him he's looking for quail. He'll find Osama Bin Ladin in no time!
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Dick Cheney, sticking with the old Bush credo of "Shoot first, ask questions later", blasted a lawyer a couple of weeks ago. It is rumored that after the incident, the vice president rifled through Harry Whittington's coat pockets, searching in vain for weapons of mass destruction.
It was said that Mr. Whittington suffered a mild heart attack when one of the pellets struck his chest. I have to say, I would have a mild heart attack if I saw one of the Bush Adminstration holding any kind of a weapon.
What a stroke of genius! Let's send the vice president over to Afghanistan/Pakistan. Tell him he's looking for quail. He'll find Osama Bin Ladin in no time!
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Baby on (Dash) Board
Here comes the next stop in Britney Spears' transition from glowing pop-star, to white-trash queen. As if marrying loser-rapper-wannabe-trailer-boy Kevin Fedderline wasn't bad enough, you become the mother of his child. Next you hold said child on your lap as you drive from starbucks. In Britney's defense car seats are friggin' expensive. Not only that, but it looks very tacky in your 2006 Escalade.
Britney has released a statement through People Magazine explaining her actions. She says while her bodyguard was in Starbucks getting her a coffee, the paparazzi began to swarm her car while she took her son out of his car seat to wait for her coffee. When the bodyguard returned Britney feared for her child's safety and so drove away saying, "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way."
So driving down the highway holding a coffee in one hand, the kid in the other, driving with your knees is a "measure to get my baby and me out of harm's way"? The lack of common sense of people sometimes scares me.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Here comes the next stop in Britney Spears' transition from glowing pop-star, to white-trash queen. As if marrying loser-rapper-wannabe-trailer-boy Kevin Fedderline wasn't bad enough, you become the mother of his child. Next you hold said child on your lap as you drive from starbucks. In Britney's defense car seats are friggin' expensive. Not only that, but it looks very tacky in your 2006 Escalade.
Britney has released a statement through People Magazine explaining her actions. She says while her bodyguard was in Starbucks getting her a coffee, the paparazzi began to swarm her car while she took her son out of his car seat to wait for her coffee. When the bodyguard returned Britney feared for her child's safety and so drove away saying, "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way."
So driving down the highway holding a coffee in one hand, the kid in the other, driving with your knees is a "measure to get my baby and me out of harm's way"? The lack of common sense of people sometimes scares me.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Friday, February 10, 2006
5 Things learned January of 2006
1.) The first six cups of coffee are good. But there's something about that seventh or eighth cup that doesn't set well with the stomach.
2.) Holding a fart in is like holding your breath for a minute. It's not worth it. At some point your going to need to make up for all the breaths you didn't take.
3.) How many cop dramas and lawyer shows do you really need on TV at one time? Is it me or are there like 8 named CSI or Law and Order?
4.) Candy jewlery is gross. However, it's cheap. "Happy Valentine's Day honey!"
5.) If you are going to go postal, at least have the guts to shoot yourself first.
Bush sucks
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
1.) The first six cups of coffee are good. But there's something about that seventh or eighth cup that doesn't set well with the stomach.
2.) Holding a fart in is like holding your breath for a minute. It's not worth it. At some point your going to need to make up for all the breaths you didn't take.
3.) How many cop dramas and lawyer shows do you really need on TV at one time? Is it me or are there like 8 named CSI or Law and Order?
4.) Candy jewlery is gross. However, it's cheap. "Happy Valentine's Day honey!"
5.) If you are going to go postal, at least have the guts to shoot yourself first.
Bush sucks
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Valentine's Pay
Here it comes. That magically day of being overcharged for everything from flowers, to stuffed bears. How did this even become a holiday? "Well, St. Valentine died in prison, but he sent out cards to all his followers. To mark his death, let's sell over-priced cards and boxes of assorted chocolates!" F*ck corporate America!
What an awful day to be a kid, eh? Some of you more popular people may not remember back in third grade, when we had to build those valentine's day card holders, made from old reebok boxes, to hold all of our cards in. It kind of sucks when you only have three cards in that basturd, one from the teacher, one from mom, and the other says "To Stacy", so obviously someone mistook your box for one of the cheerleaders (don't cry Dan). F*ck corporate America!
How about highschool? Girls waiting for someone to ask them to the Valentine's Day dance because they don't want to go stag and boys getting rejected because they haven't got enough self-confidence to fill a peanut shell. F*ck corporat... Wait, that one isn't their fault. Oh well, f* corporate America and high school!
For the women: Guys will break up with you just before Valentine's Day to avoid having to buy presents, et al. F*ck corporate America!
I think they should change the name from Valentine's Day to National Obligatory Sex Day. Because If I'm going to buy all this stuff, then I want some sex. No excuses!
Oh yeah. F*ck corporate America! Bush sucks.
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Here it comes. That magically day of being overcharged for everything from flowers, to stuffed bears. How did this even become a holiday? "Well, St. Valentine died in prison, but he sent out cards to all his followers. To mark his death, let's sell over-priced cards and boxes of assorted chocolates!" F*ck corporate America!
What an awful day to be a kid, eh? Some of you more popular people may not remember back in third grade, when we had to build those valentine's day card holders, made from old reebok boxes, to hold all of our cards in. It kind of sucks when you only have three cards in that basturd, one from the teacher, one from mom, and the other says "To Stacy", so obviously someone mistook your box for one of the cheerleaders (don't cry Dan). F*ck corporate America!
How about highschool? Girls waiting for someone to ask them to the Valentine's Day dance because they don't want to go stag and boys getting rejected because they haven't got enough self-confidence to fill a peanut shell. F*ck corporat... Wait, that one isn't their fault. Oh well, f* corporate America and high school!
For the women: Guys will break up with you just before Valentine's Day to avoid having to buy presents, et al. F*ck corporate America!
I think they should change the name from Valentine's Day to National Obligatory Sex Day. Because If I'm going to buy all this stuff, then I want some sex. No excuses!
Oh yeah. F*ck corporate America! Bush sucks.
*D.S.Trosdahl~~
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Super Blah
Did you hear that sound? It's the sound of advertisers everywhere groaning in discust.
This year's superbowl features the Pittsburg Steelers, the sixth seed in the AFC, versus the Seattle Seahawks the top seed in the NFC. The saddest part, Seattle, a city known better for its coffee and suicide rate than its sports' teams, is predicted by most to lose the superbowl.
Of course I'm a Viking fan. I'm 25. So, I've never been able to watch the superbowl with any personal feelings on the line. The superbowl is merely a reason for me to eat and drink way too much and wake up on a work day feeling like ass. Not only that, it's the only time during the entire year where I'd rather watch the advertisements instead of the game.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have some beer to drink and commercials to watch.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Did you hear that sound? It's the sound of advertisers everywhere groaning in discust.
This year's superbowl features the Pittsburg Steelers, the sixth seed in the AFC, versus the Seattle Seahawks the top seed in the NFC. The saddest part, Seattle, a city known better for its coffee and suicide rate than its sports' teams, is predicted by most to lose the superbowl.
Of course I'm a Viking fan. I'm 25. So, I've never been able to watch the superbowl with any personal feelings on the line. The superbowl is merely a reason for me to eat and drink way too much and wake up on a work day feeling like ass. Not only that, it's the only time during the entire year where I'd rather watch the advertisements instead of the game.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have some beer to drink and commercials to watch.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Tiny tini's aren't tiny
Holy shit. My wife just made me a dirty martini. What a dirty martini is, for those of you that don't know, is taking a fifth of vodka, sprinkling a little olive juice in it, garnishing with a pair of olives and serving. I think my car can run a hundred miles on two of them. I swear my chest hair grew a couple of inches. Thank you Mrs. Trosdahl. You are the olive... I mean apple of my eye!
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Holy shit. My wife just made me a dirty martini. What a dirty martini is, for those of you that don't know, is taking a fifth of vodka, sprinkling a little olive juice in it, garnishing with a pair of olives and serving. I think my car can run a hundred miles on two of them. I swear my chest hair grew a couple of inches. Thank you Mrs. Trosdahl. You are the olive... I mean apple of my eye!
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Thursday, January 26, 2006
King Kloooooooong
I can’t believe this is my first post of 2006. I’m neglectful and it’s just not right. Anyhow, over the break I got a chance to see the much hyped, hugely anticipated King Kong. Whilst the special effects were good, and the action scenes were suspenseful, Peter Jackson needs to shut the f*ck up. Good God almighty! The thing stretched out like laffy taffy. I swear I needed ass replacement surgery by the end of it.
Now some movies can last a day and a half and you don’t even realize/care... King Kong was not one of these. It reminded me a lot of Lord of the Rings Return of the King. Pete had to have dozens of those, slow motion, close up, reaction shots. You know the ones I’m talking about. They happen every time Naomi Watts’s character so much as sneezes, we have to have a close up look at the monkey’s face. He holds the shots for way to f*cking long, making you and everyone else in the theatre uncomfortable to the point of squirming.
Peter Jackson did us no favors during the course of this movie, seeming to not cut anything… Except for one of the most important parts. How in the living hell did a rickety ass freighter carry a several ton monkey across the Indian and Atlantic oceans to New York City? After we see Kong hit with two big assed bottles of chloroform and not even slow down, Jack Black’s character hits him with one bottle that magically knocks him out almost instantaneously. The scene then shifts to New York. What the hell happened? I want to know how they transported this guy to the other side of the world on a ship that had been hit with rocks and the crew was dumping anything that wasn’t bolted down into the ocean to conserve weight.
Other Points of interest:
*Jack Black needs to stick with comedy. He has the dramatic acting chops of Bozo the Clown. “It was beauty that killed the beast.” What better way to end a three hour, tortuous movie then with the cheesiest line I have ever heard uttered on film.
*At the end of the movie, we’re gearing up for the big battle between Kong and the airplanes. Suddenly Kong is ice-skating? Jesus. Can’t we just end the movie already? By this time I want the army to kill Kong, to put me out of my misery.
*Colin Hanks sighting. Not just anyone can make it in the movie industry… Unless your dad’s name is Tom Hanks.
*So dinosaurs huh? Looks like they stole one of Lost’s plotlines for this season (Scratch off Matthew Fox fighting raptors).
I'm going to take a bottle of sleeping pills and lay down for a while.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
I can’t believe this is my first post of 2006. I’m neglectful and it’s just not right. Anyhow, over the break I got a chance to see the much hyped, hugely anticipated King Kong. Whilst the special effects were good, and the action scenes were suspenseful, Peter Jackson needs to shut the f*ck up. Good God almighty! The thing stretched out like laffy taffy. I swear I needed ass replacement surgery by the end of it.
Now some movies can last a day and a half and you don’t even realize/care... King Kong was not one of these. It reminded me a lot of Lord of the Rings Return of the King. Pete had to have dozens of those, slow motion, close up, reaction shots. You know the ones I’m talking about. They happen every time Naomi Watts’s character so much as sneezes, we have to have a close up look at the monkey’s face. He holds the shots for way to f*cking long, making you and everyone else in the theatre uncomfortable to the point of squirming.
Peter Jackson did us no favors during the course of this movie, seeming to not cut anything… Except for one of the most important parts. How in the living hell did a rickety ass freighter carry a several ton monkey across the Indian and Atlantic oceans to New York City? After we see Kong hit with two big assed bottles of chloroform and not even slow down, Jack Black’s character hits him with one bottle that magically knocks him out almost instantaneously. The scene then shifts to New York. What the hell happened? I want to know how they transported this guy to the other side of the world on a ship that had been hit with rocks and the crew was dumping anything that wasn’t bolted down into the ocean to conserve weight.
Other Points of interest:
*Jack Black needs to stick with comedy. He has the dramatic acting chops of Bozo the Clown. “It was beauty that killed the beast.” What better way to end a three hour, tortuous movie then with the cheesiest line I have ever heard uttered on film.
*At the end of the movie, we’re gearing up for the big battle between Kong and the airplanes. Suddenly Kong is ice-skating? Jesus. Can’t we just end the movie already? By this time I want the army to kill Kong, to put me out of my misery.
*Colin Hanks sighting. Not just anyone can make it in the movie industry… Unless your dad’s name is Tom Hanks.
*So dinosaurs huh? Looks like they stole one of Lost’s plotlines for this season (Scratch off Matthew Fox fighting raptors).
I'm going to take a bottle of sleeping pills and lay down for a while.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Monday, December 12, 2005
Bubble Boy
Today during a press conference George W. Bush claimed "I don't feel like I'm in a bubble." After this statement his mother, Barbara, came out to put his goulashes on him.
Bush went on to inform the American people that he does know what's in the news. "Every morning I look at the newspaper," Bush told NBC. "I can't say I've read every single article in the newspaper. But, I definitely know what's in the news." He added, "That darn
This is our president. Shielded from fundamentally sound ideas by the puppet master, Vice President Dick Cheney, our leader goofs his way from one political debacle to the next. Good lord almighty! His approval rating sits at 39% on the CNN/USA Today Gallup poll from last month. Thirty-nine percent! That's like
"Bubbles? I love those things. Dick will blow them and I will pop them. Heh, we're a good team!"
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Don't Squeeze the Charmin
What the hell is with toilet paper. In 2005 we can't come up with an easy way of getting that first sheet? Do we need different colored t.p.? Could Charmin please find a better ad campaign? To start with, let's go somewhere no one wants to go, a Dan scenerio.
I'm sitting on the toilet, look over and realize that my wife has used up all the t.p. I curse a couple of times and hobble over to get a new roll. I hobble back and have to stare at it for several moments while I try to figure out where the "beginning" is. That's really the key, which sheet is the official "beginning". Frustrated I choose a sheet to be the "beginning". Now's the part where I get several levels of sheets and so I'm not sure which is the "beginning". I generally swear again, and take an entire wad and go from there.
Too graphic? Tell that to Charmin. And while your at it, what the f@ck is with those Charmin bear commercials by the way? I don't want to imagine the shit that is created by a cartoon bear that size. I also don't want to see that disgusting look of satsifaction after it uses Charmin toilet paper. Ugh.
If you are already in the Charmin office complaining about the first two points (good for you, I didn't realize this blog had that kind of power over you) let them know we don't want black toilet paper. Apparently black toilet paper is the rage in Japan. There's a lot of things wrong with this idea, but in the appearance of good taste (ha! not in this blog), I shall refrain from naming them and allow you to draw your own conclusions.
Man, after this post I feel dirty. I'm going for a shower.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
What the hell is with toilet paper. In 2005 we can't come up with an easy way of getting that first sheet? Do we need different colored t.p.? Could Charmin please find a better ad campaign? To start with, let's go somewhere no one wants to go, a Dan scenerio.
I'm sitting on the toilet, look over and realize that my wife has used up all the t.p. I curse a couple of times and hobble over to get a new roll. I hobble back and have to stare at it for several moments while I try to figure out where the "beginning" is. That's really the key, which sheet is the official "beginning". Frustrated I choose a sheet to be the "beginning". Now's the part where I get several levels of sheets and so I'm not sure which is the "beginning". I generally swear again, and take an entire wad and go from there.
Too graphic? Tell that to Charmin. And while your at it, what the f@ck is with those Charmin bear commercials by the way? I don't want to imagine the shit that is created by a cartoon bear that size. I also don't want to see that disgusting look of satsifaction after it uses Charmin toilet paper. Ugh.
If you are already in the Charmin office complaining about the first two points (good for you, I didn't realize this blog had that kind of power over you) let them know we don't want black toilet paper. Apparently black toilet paper is the rage in Japan. There's a lot of things wrong with this idea, but in the appearance of good taste (ha! not in this blog), I shall refrain from naming them and allow you to draw your own conclusions.
Man, after this post I feel dirty. I'm going for a shower.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Saturday, December 03, 2005
5 Things Learned: November 2005
1.) When a bar of soap has dissolved into one of those skinny shavings, fight that cheap basturd inside your consciousness and buy a new bar. If you don't want to "waste" it, feel free to collect a dozen of them and attach them to a small string, making a Deodorant bracelet or necklace out of them.
2.) Childproof is to Child what unguarded bank vault is to a robber.
3.) Someone should really tell Superman to put his underwear on first.
4.) George W Bush has plagiarized the Curious George series just by living.
5.) Thanksgiving for two means leftovers for a week and a half.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Please try this at home
Okay, so I've been out awhile. I know all my writing fans out there (all two of them) have been disappointed with the long wait. Call it a Turkey Day hangover. But it gave me plenty of time to think of something that has really bothered me over the past couple of months. Commercials.
The commercials I'm thinking of involve automobiles. There are two in particular that make me want to find the creative genius behind them, and strangle him with a stero cord.
The first commercial, I think is Ford (it could be Chevy, either way, its asinine), involves a lengthy explanation of how strong the bolts that hold the bed of the pickup to its body or something, I generally start to lose interest and fade in-and-out of consciousness when I realize which ad is on. Then the truck is hoisted, ass end up, by a crane attached by just one of those bolts. Impressive. But then the most annoying thing happens. A little scientist-looking dude seems to step underneath the truck, hanging by a cord. First off, you can tell he isn't directly under it, he's actually standing behind it (Ford/Chevy isn't about to risk an impressive lawsuit over this commercial). Secondly, a little message pops up at the bottom of the screen that informs you, the home viewer, who are most likely middle to lower class, not to try this at home. Let that sink in for a second. Okay, are you officially dumbed down? Like who in the living Christ has a goddamn crane sitting in his garage? Not on a $1000 a month mortgage you don't.
The second commercial is one for Jeep. This one literally makes me pull my hair out. My wife will ask what I'm doing and I'll tell her I couldn't help it, the commercial and all. She just smiles and makes a mental note to up my meds. Anyhow, this commercial simply involves a jeep supposedly driving at the bottom of the ocean. The kids in the back seat stare out through the sun roof pointing out which sharks and fish are their favorites. The Jeep emerges and another one of those messages appears. It says something about "Dramitization, Jeep is not used for this kind of activity, do not try at home".
Why do we even have these messages on either commercial? This fact has been stated about stupid, lawsuit driven messages before, but I will restate in one word.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
K.entucky F.ried C.rap
KFC's new ad campaign has gotten on my nerves. So much so, it's time to vent a little. In their most recent commercial a middle-aged, balding man is eating his lunch. A woman walks in and starts heckling him. Apparently he's literally a rocket scientist and he spent $8 at a casual sit-down type restaurant, whilst she went to fancy schmancy KFC and got a meal for $4. She then laughs all condescendingly at him because he's the rocket scientist and he should have known better. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Skank.
First of all, if we're going based on quality of food, anyone can dunk a rat in a fat fryer and call it chicken. If I want chicken that tastes like homemade (my wife, by the way, makes a damn fine chicken) I won't be going to KFC. Secondly, in the ad it clearly states, “Beverage not included”. Which means, tack on another buck twenty-five. If tax is also not included, we’re now up near $6.
So take that KFC! And if you ever, ever laugh at me condescendingly again I’ll shove your face in that fat fryer! All right Chili’s, TGIFriday’s, and Rockola, I expect some compensation for standing up for you. I’ll have my people talk to your people.
*D.S. Trosdahl~~
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