Bubble Boy

Today during a press conference George W. Bush claimed "I don't feel like I'm in a bubble." After this statement his mother, Barbara, came out to put his goulashes on him.

Bush went on to inform the American people that he does know what's in the news. "Every morning I look at the newspaper," Bush told NBC. "I can't say I've read every single article in the newspaper. But, I definitely know what's in the news." He added, "That darn Garfield gets into all sorts of trouble, heh. Sometimes I feel like Family Circus is my life!"

This is our president. Shielded from fundamentally sound ideas by the puppet master, Vice President Dick Cheney, our leader goofs his way from one political debacle to the next. Good lord almighty! His approval rating sits at 39% on the CNN/USA Today Gallup poll from last month. Thirty-nine percent! That's like Texas, and five other "red" neck states and that's it.

Okay, I’ll admit though I voted for him, I wasn’t a huge fan of John Kerry. I think I would have rather voted for Jim Carrey, but there’s no way in God’s green earth that he could have done a worse job than Bush Co. The economy is crap, we have no exit strategy in Iraq (because the minute we leave the government is going to collapse and all out civil war will ensue), he is sending all of our jobs to India, he hasn’t captured Osama bin Ladin, and he wants to tear up some of the most pristine areas of Alaska to drill for oil.

Just look at any picture of him and you have to question whether there is any actual thoughts traversing his mind. He looks like a Brazilian Pygmy for Christ sake! Please, please, next election think of this before you elect Jeb Bush to the presidency!

"Bubbles? I love those things. Dick will blow them and I will pop them. Heh, we're a good team!"

*D.S. Trosdahl~~

Don't Squeeze the Charmin

What the hell is with toilet paper. In 2005 we can't come up with an easy way of getting that first sheet? Do we need different colored t.p.? Could Charmin please find a better ad campaign? To start with, let's go somewhere no one wants to go, a Dan scenerio.

I'm sitting on the toilet, look over and realize that my wife has used up all the t.p. I curse a couple of times and hobble over to get a new roll. I hobble back and have to stare at it for several moments while I try to figure out where the "beginning" is. That's really the key, which sheet is the official "beginning". Frustrated I choose a sheet to be the "beginning". Now's the part where I get several levels of sheets and so I'm not sure which is the "beginning". I generally swear again, and take an entire wad and go from there.

Too graphic? Tell that to Charmin. And while your at it, what the f@ck is with those Charmin bear commercials by the way? I don't want to imagine the shit that is created by a cartoon bear that size. I also don't want to see that disgusting look of satsifaction after it uses Charmin toilet paper. Ugh.

If you are already in the Charmin office complaining about the first two points (good for you, I didn't realize this blog had that kind of power over you) let them know we don't want black toilet paper. Apparently black toilet paper is the rage in Japan. There's a lot of things wrong with this idea, but in the appearance of good taste (ha! not in this blog), I shall refrain from naming them and allow you to draw your own conclusions.

Man, after this post I feel dirty. I'm going for a shower.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~

5 Things Learned: November 2005

1.) When a bar of soap has dissolved into one of those skinny shavings, fight that cheap basturd inside your consciousness and buy a new bar. If you don't want to "waste" it, feel free to collect a dozen of them and attach them to a small string, making a Deodorant bracelet or necklace out of them.

2.) Childproof is to Child what unguarded bank vault is to a robber.

3.) Someone should really tell Superman to put his underwear on first.

4.) George W Bush has plagiarized the Curious George series just by living.

5.) Thanksgiving for two means leftovers for a week and a half.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~

Please try this at home

Okay, so I've been out awhile. I know all my writing fans out there (all two of them) have been disappointed with the long wait. Call it a Turkey Day hangover. But it gave me plenty of time to think of something that has really bothered me over the past couple of months. Commercials.

The commercials I'm thinking of involve automobiles. There are two in particular that make me want to find the creative genius behind them, and strangle him with a stero cord.

The first commercial, I think is Ford (it could be Chevy, either way, its asinine), involves a lengthy explanation of how strong the bolts that hold the bed of the pickup to its body or something, I generally start to lose interest and fade in-and-out of consciousness when I realize which ad is on. Then the truck is hoisted, ass end up, by a crane attached by just one of those bolts. Impressive. But then the most annoying thing happens. A little scientist-looking dude seems to step underneath the truck, hanging by a cord. First off, you can tell he isn't directly under it, he's actually standing behind it (Ford/Chevy isn't about to risk an impressive lawsuit over this commercial). Secondly, a little message pops up at the bottom of the screen that informs you, the home viewer, who are most likely middle to lower class, not to try this at home. Let that sink in for a second. Okay, are you officially dumbed down? Like who in the living Christ has a goddamn crane sitting in his garage? Not on a $1000 a month mortgage you don't.

The second commercial is one for Jeep. This one literally makes me pull my hair out. My wife will ask what I'm doing and I'll tell her I couldn't help it, the commercial and all. She just smiles and makes a mental note to up my meds. Anyhow, this commercial simply involves a jeep supposedly driving at the bottom of the ocean. The kids in the back seat stare out through the sun roof pointing out which sharks and fish are their favorites. The Jeep emerges and another one of those messages appears. It says something about "Dramitization, Jeep is not used for this kind of activity, do not try at home".

Why do we even have these messages on either commercial? This fact has been stated about stupid, lawsuit driven messages before, but I will restate in one word. Darwin. Let’s let Darwin have his way. We’ll be better off without these people. And maybe, just maybe, the writers behind these heinous commercials will have a truck drop on their collective heads while standing at the ocean floor, ridding us of stupid car commercials once and for all. Amen.

*D.S. Trosdahl~~